Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
