I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
