I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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