i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
