Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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