And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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