just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
