Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
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