the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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