I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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