Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just pynch a tree in the face
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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