Cold hands, warm shart.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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