Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
