just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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