Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
