he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
