Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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