this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
