My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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