watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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