sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
