im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
