This is not my ceiling
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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