a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
