I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
