i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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