so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
