My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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