I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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