My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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