She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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