I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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