oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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