I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
