I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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