i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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