where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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