OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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