I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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