shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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