I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
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