And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize