My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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