Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize