Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
