Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
