I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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