Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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