Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Even my vagina gasped.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
