yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am one with the molecules
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
