Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
