my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
