Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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