Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
