he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
