I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
