The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
