You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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