currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
