I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
