I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
