If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize