I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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