just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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