So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up under a house in Key West
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