I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
