I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
