Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
